My first of many to come,
In 2000 after losing my papa to a long painful battle of prostate cancer I began shutting out any ounce of life,and began construction on an even bigger wall to protect me from the pain that was only just beginning.
I disconnected myself from family friends and ended up moving to our families cabin and constricting all visits one by one.
I lived alone at 17 for nearly 2 years I walked out and never looked back,
during my seclusion I spent most of my time reading and writing and testing my weaknesses.
I would bring them to surface and imagine the most painful scenarios as morbid as most of them may have been, I managed to supress my weaknesses and turn them into strength and power against not only others but myself.
This was the worst thing I could have ever done to myself,It took me 5 years to realize that Im not only building the walls to protect me from the bad, they werent only shutting out the bad but they were shutting out the good.
I began working for my mom and the family buisness as co-owner/manager I instantly caught the rep of being the cold hearted bitch that would take you down.
I found myself in a relationship with the worst kind and held him just close enough to feel secure with being in a true loveless relationship I knew I didnt love him I knew he didnt love me and it was ok ,"I think it was easier".
We were thier for one another one occasion,but were no more then mere co workers.
But at the time I was madly in lust over this relationship I was convinced this was it, and had set any other possiblity for love aside.
its funny how you can be so caught up in the moment you dont see what is lying right there in front of your face,and its only time that allows you to see what you were blinded with for so long.
But my strenght for fighting off every weakness and shielding myself from pain was what never allowed me to truely feel emotion,I created a monster within myself
that would hurt me more in the long run, this would destroy me
Her Words
